It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize