can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's Friday. Sex?
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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