I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
