my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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