3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
