It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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