Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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