so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
