Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
