Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
