hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
