My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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