Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
