That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
