her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dignity is for republicans.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
