So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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