sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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