I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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