You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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