So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
