she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
