Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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