he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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