remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
