I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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