wakey wakey hands off snakey
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
