My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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