Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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