she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
