Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
