Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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