I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
