He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
