Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
