I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My vagina just recognized that song.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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