You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
