I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
