i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
