Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
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i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
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I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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