my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
