All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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