I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I smell stomach acid.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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