I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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