I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
