i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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