I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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