went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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