Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
