Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
