The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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