I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
