I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
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You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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