I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
