When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
