the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
