wanna go halves on a baby?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
