I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Someone came in the potted fern
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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