I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
