i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
